Psychological Mind

Relationship in the digitized era

In today’s world of endless choices and opportunities, ambivalence has become a common experience in the realm of dating and relationships. The introduction of online dating platforms and cultural phenomena like FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) have made it easier than ever to continually explore new romantic prospects. Add in society’s increasing emphasis on personal growth and self-development, and you have a perfect storm for decision paralysis when it comes to partnerships. The internal monologue of “Is this person really the right one for me?” plays on an endless loop. So many of my young patients are dealing with these difficulties while dating, saying they feel that “something or someone better may be just around the corner”, making it harder to commit.

The ambivalence surrounding dating and relationships has become a common pattern. This is a significant departure from the past. Just a few decades ago, people’s dating options were largely limited to their immediate social circles and geographical area. Pairing up often happened based on practicality and convenience as much as romantic attraction. While there were drawbacks in the old-fashioned approach to romance, the idea of “what ifs” with alternative partners wasn’t as prevalent.

As you navigate the understandable ambivalence about partners and commitments today, strive to find a middle ground. Question and reflect, but don’t become derailed by doubts or paralyzed by the fear that something or someone better might exist.

How to reduce this nowadays normative dating ambivalence will be another article topic soon enough, I promise. Please subscribe to my blog and wait for it.

When Ambivalence Becomes Obsession– ROCD

It’s normal to feel some uncertainty and ambivalence about partners, as it reflects the significance of choosing a life partner in today’s world. We understand that being in an unsatisfying long-term relationship can significantly harm our well-being and life satisfaction.

But for some, relationship ambivalence becomes a serious disturbing issue. They develop a constant preoccupation, or better say- obsession, about their partner’s suitability and whether or not the relationship is “right.” This condition is known as Relationship OCD (ROCD) and it can severely impair romantic functioning and satisfaction.

Those with ROCD become super-focused on small perceived flaws, imperfections, and incompatibilities in their partners and relationships. They endlessly analyze and scrutinize their feelings of attraction, love, and chemistry, unable to simply experience and accept these emotions healthily.

The repetitive intrusive thoughts of ROCD usually create extreme distress. Sufferers constantly question whether their partners are truly “The One,” often engaging in exhaustive mental reviews of the pros and cons of staying or leaving. They continually hunt for evidence or circumstances that would definitively resolve their crippling ambivalence one way or the other.

At its most severe, ROCD morphs into emotional torture and can cause severe damage to their ability to experience intimacy and commitment in relationships. Those caught in its pernicious cycles find themselves entirely unable to embrace and cherish their partners, instead viewing every interaction through a lens of doubt and suspicion.

How will I recognize I might have ROCD?

• Constantly questioning your feelings for your partner.
• Feeling the need to seek reassurance about the relationship.
• Engaging in repetitive behaviors related to your relationship, such as constantly checking your partner’s social media or comparing your relationship to others.
• Experiencing significant distress or interference with your daily life due to these thoughts and behaviors.

Tip: If you find it difficult to answer these questions yourself, ask a close friend who knows you well.

Getting Help for ROCD

If you find yourself caught in the obsessive thoughts and compulsions of Relationship OCD, you should seek professional help– you can live better! ROCD is a diagnosable condition that can be effectively treated, often through a form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). Please ensure that your therapist is well-trained in using these methods or other evidence-based methods.

In ERP for ROCD, you work with a therapist to gradually face the uncertainties and doubts you fear in a structured way. You learn to resist engaging in the mental compulsions and reassurance-seeking behaviors that reinforce the OCD cycle. In other words, you will learn how to re-wire your mind to better serve your needs.  Over time, you build up your “emotional muscle” to tolerate ambiguity in your relationship without becoming overwhelmed.

Psychiatric follow-up helps as Medication can be beneficial in reducing the intensity of obsessive thoughts and anxiety. Anti-depressants in the SSRI class are commonly prescribed to alleviate symptoms of Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD) when used in combination with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Based on my clinical experience, I have found that combining medication with Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) is highly effective. While I usually take my time when recommending medication to my patients, I have seen that medications can greatly facilitate the psychological process when treating ROCD.

Support groups can be incredibly helpful for those dealing with Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD) by providing a sense of community and letting people know they are not alone. Connecting with others who understand the challenges of ROCD firsthand can reduce feelings of shame and isolation, and can help commit to making positive necessary changes.

With the right treatment plan, it is possible to overcome ROCD and regain the ability to embrace and cherish your romantic partnership without constant doubts and preoccupations. The path isn’t easy, but freedom from relationship-focused intrusive thoughts is achievable.